Thato Choma

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Written By: Thato Choma

With millennials rising in independent thinking and taking bigger risks than before in career, relationships, life & all the goodness of the universe; support from loved ones seems to often not match the bravery, much to the unpleasant surprise of the brave soul. In this piece, I wish to assist the one looking for support to be at peace with not getting support from loved ones, and how to support yourself in the pursuit of becoming the person you are truly meant to be. And inevitably, this will also assist the supporter.

I’ve had an enlightening experience in the area of support, giving it and receiving it and am grateful for the insight, of which I have to share, because, sharing is caring. Support in the area of family and romantic relationships is one of the greatest ACTS of love. It means supporting those you love in the hopes and dreams that you have for them & those that they have for themselves. But let’s be honest, the real test of support is when you are required / requested to support something that doesn’t look familiar to you, or does not align with the knowledge, experience or visualization of what you think is right. Therefore, receiving this kind of support is the most difficult and rarest to come-by.

Let’s take a look at an example we all might be familiar with. When a funding house denies you financial backing, it is somewhat acceptable because that funding house has certain objectives, causes and activities that they are dedicated to supporting. This is commonly explicit in criteria, terms & conditions prior to your application. Therefore, it is easier to accept the rejection because there is lack in alignment. And so, both parties move on & are able to amicably accept each other still. The reality is, people also have criteria for what they will support, and it is often aligned to their experiences, what they KNOW, and it is often implicit. The real kick in the gut is when you don’t get support from your friends and family in the aspect of your dreams when it doesn’t look like how they want it to look. Take heart, it’s not a family thing, it is a life thing. People are more comfortable supporting things that are familiar and can imagine working out for the good. Good in this case is measured by what they are used to, what has been tried & tested. People are afraid of the unknown.

So, what does this mean?!

Be ever-ready to not be understood & extend grace to those that don’t understand.

Listen to all that they have to say because it is helpful to always listen. Be grateful for the feedback you receive because it will make you a better person if you choose to be open to the truth. The truth will keep recurring, it doesn’t need your support. And when it re-occurs, act to apply the feedback.

Passionately protect yourself from building resentment

Resentment kills dreams & relationships. It is a major block in accessing success of many people. The reason why resentment is included in what I call the BIG 5 of  life killers, it’s because the being that you are was designed to love. The others of the big 5 are fear, anger, loneliness and self-doubt. These energies are deadly.  Resentment totally destroys the engine of how life is supposed to be lived. If you have resentment towards a person, place or thing, acknowledge it. Then, if you really want to let it go, actively express the willingness to let go and forgive, because no one really knows how to forgive. Accept those that don’t understand. They are not walking your path, so they will not understand.

Keep your intrinsic motivating system clean

Your mind can be a safe place or a dangerous place depending on what you choose to allow to enter, exit or stay. If you will for a few days monitor your thoughts and your experiences, you will see that everything that materializes is a result of your thoughts. Train your mind. It is a matter of life & death.  Words of affirmation are essential, the one I would recommend as a start is to repeatedly say to yourself, “I love and accept myself”, because in life, the real causes of unsuccess is a lack of recognition and appreciation for how great we are. Other things you can do is go to or build a support group, hence they are called support groups. Keep positive vibes ONLY.

Express gratitude for the loved ones that support you no matter what

These people & organisations may or may not understand what you’re going through, but they back you in many ways and anyways. This includes finances, resources, a place to stay, grace for not paying bills on time, spoils & gifts for upliftment, their time, energy & words spoken & unspoken. This is priceless. When you hit the big time, you better show it BIG TIME.

When you support yourself, you automatically support others

It might not look like it at first, but going for your dreams is one of the greatest acts of love for yourself and the world, because you are operating in what you have been uniquely designed for. Remember that the best support you can give to yourself and the world is to remain true to yourself. Yes, it will look selfish, you will second guess yourself, you will fall into traps of self-doubt that maybe you are going about it the wrong way. In which case, absolutely inquire within yourself for the truth, and outward. What keeps reappearing stands & must be applied appropriately. Also, find a balance & avoid over analysing things.

Remember that it’s all love

They are acting out because they have the view that their way is best for you. This means that they want the best for you. So, be grateful for this. This is part of why we call them loved ones. You’re also acting from your best knowledge & experience, which is new too, be gentle with yourself so that you will be able to extend it to others.

Written by Thato Choma

An entrepreneur, life Coach Self-Esteem specialist based in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Follow @thatochoma on Instagram for more insightful content

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